He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
