the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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