she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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