I hope mine doesn't look like that
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
