So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
