I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
