I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I understand Curling. That high.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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