I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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