i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
