I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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