I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
