hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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