I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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