My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
