Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
