so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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