I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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