I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
