The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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