A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
