His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The uberlube is also flammable
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
