I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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