someone threw a dead crab at me
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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