I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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