I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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