I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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