Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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