So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
