dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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