is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
