If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have tasted many bathrooms
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
