there's paper in my vomit.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
