I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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