I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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