Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
