I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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