dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
