It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We named our party play list daddy issues
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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