i would punch a child for taco bell
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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