Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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