how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
