I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
