I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
