Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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