i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
