There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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