At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
