STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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