i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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