You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
